Progress

Made it past the hump. Went to the gym this am. Apparently my work out buddy did not make it past the hump because she was a no show.
No cookies today yet but the day isn't over and I am writing tonight. All in all a good day.
Fall is here. The leaves have begun to turn gold, red and orange. The rain is starting to fall and in a few short weeks the snow will follow.
In the mornings when I go to the gym it's still pitch black outside. I have to go from my back door through the yard and to my car parked under the cedar and maple trees. Every morning I have a moment of panic when I realize that I can't see.
The reason for this panic is the good chance that I could run into a bear or a skunk en-route to the car. This time of year there are often bears in my yard. They travel through looking for fallen fruit or garbage.
I know a smart person would take a flashlight at least but I have no idea where mine is. I also don't think of it till I venture out in the dark. Bottom line, wellness has it's risks. I'll let you know if it was worth it assuming I survive bear season.

Hump day

No not that kind of hump Yvonne, you perv!
I have survived three days of early morning work outs. Yay!
I am loving the a.m. work out. This, of course, does not thrill my work out buddy who agreed to do a.m. work outs for a limited time period and now three days into it I'm already saying I'm never going back to afternoons!
I love that I have no excuse in the morning. I love that when my work day ends it's truly over I don't have to drag my sorry exhausted ass to the gym. I love that I don't have to choose between grocery shopping or the gym and that I can share dinner with my family in the evenings. I LOVE working out in the morning. And to top it off I feel good till noon or longer if it's been a low stress day. Life is good!
so
gym- check
cookies- not so far
Writing- none unless you count the blog

check list

Gym - done
Eat cookies - not done
write - not done

so far so good!

A little blog quiz

you are sandybrown #F4A460

Your dominant hues are red and yellow... most of what you do is motivated by your need to change things and have a good time, but you've been known to settle down and think out a situation, too. You tend to surprise people just when they're starting to feel like they've got you down. Your saturation level is medium - You're not the most decisive go-getter, but you can get a job done when it's required of you. You probably don't think the world can change for you and don't want to spend too much effort trying to force it. Your outlook on life is bright. You see good things in situations where others may not be able to, and it frustrates you to see them get down on everything.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

Cookies evil cookies

It's Monday. I got up at the god awful hour of 6 am to go to the gym. I made it on time which is something. Did a smallish work out but did it so that's something too. Came home got kids up for school, packed lunches. David didn't want his cookies cause he doesn't like that kind. I ate them. Yes I ate them. They were small cookies and only three of them but they're still cookies.
I must rid my home of evil cookies!
I will not start again Monday. I will continue today. That's the new plan.
I am writing today.
I'm a little stuck on crazy aunt Maggie. I'm not sure how crazy I want her to be. Somewhere between clinical and eccentric is what I'd like but I need to translate that to paper. That's the goal for writing today. Figure out Aunt Maggie and her relationship to Amanda. Does Amanda love her and her crazy ways or find her a burden? So many questions too little time.
Must avoid internet surfing today!
Today's post is a bit of a ramble which RWA monthly says is killer to a blog but I think it keeps me honest and in that vein I think I will post my daily gym, cookie and writing accomplishments for you all to see. Purely for selfish reasons.
Have a happy Monday!

I'll start Monday

I'm not a planner. This comes as no surprise to those who know me. I do recognize that in order to get things accomplished one must plan a little. Planning is hard for me.
I take that back I can plan like no ones business, It's sticking to the plan that's the problem.
I'm not good with schedules. I'm also not good with out them. If someone could force me to keep to a schedule that would be best but I'm a grown up now so that's not going to happen.
So I experiment with my time to see what works best to accomplish a goal. Unfortunately I also play the I'll start Monday game.
The I'll start Monday game is the downfall of all diet and exercise programs. It can also be the downfall of schedules.
I can fall off of any diet with a the smallest of temptations. A particularly evil child disguised as an angel selling chocolate covered almonds was my down fall last week. After consuming the whole box of almonds I told myself I might as well have McDonald's for lunch since I'd screwed up the week already with the almonds. I don't even like McDonald's. That's ok though cause I'll start again on Monday. And since I'm starting on Monday I may as well throw caution to the wind and eat what ever type of junk food I want, up until Monday.
A new week begins, I have fruit and veggies in the fridge. Chicken breasts in the freezer and I am set to begin. Monday goes well, Maybe Tuesday goes well and even Wednesday but at some point during the week I become weak and blow it again.
The problem with the I'll start Monday game is that a woman can put on twenty extra pounds in anticipation for all the Mondays. So I will need to stick to a plan. I will need to follow my work out schedule. Have enough forethought to pack my lunch and snacks and set a time to write everyday that does not include surfing the net or blogging. It's a very difficult thing for me to do this but starting Monday that is the plan!

The mommy blame game

Ever since the free wheeling, psycho-analyzing 60's parents have been in a no win situation.
You could be a milk and cookies, apron wearing, stay at home mom who walks her kids to school every day and your children will come back to you in twenty years and accuse you of smothering them. You could be a working Mom who comes home every night with fast food hamburgers to do the chores that piled up during the day and your kids will come back to you in twenty years to tell you that you were emotionally and physically unavailable.
The way I see it no matter what kind of parent you are there will be some issue in your children's adult life for which you are directly responsible.
So why not do it on purpose? At least then they won't bother with the inevitable "you screwed up my life" confrontation. It's no fun if Mom knows it's coming.
In the early years I tried the deflection tactic.

Child: "Why do I have to go to bed? I'm not tired."
Me: "Cause it's bed time."
Child: "You're so mean!"
Me: "Sorry Kid it's in the contract."
Child: "What contract?"
Me, picking kid up and taking him to bed: "the one I had to sign before I could bring you home. It's very clear. I must be mean as often as possible and make small children go to bed when they aren't even tired."
Child: "oh"
That tactic worked for a while. Until they learned to read and wanted to see the infamous contract. Then I had to switch tactics.
Now I have an easy answer for everything.
Child:stamping feet and throwing self onto any available surface "why do I have to be grounded! You're so mean! You're ruining my life."
Me: obviously relieved "Oh thank god!"
Child: puzzled "why?"
Me: "I was so worried that in a couple of years when all the kids were sitting around talking about how their parents ruined their lives you'd have nothing to contribute! Now I don't have to worry about that!"

It's the little things that truly cause bank account draining psychoanalysis.
Dustin: "Mom, there's no clean towels again, Do you think you could wash some sometime so I don't have to dry off with a tea towel?"
Very sarcastic boy that Dustin.

Me: " I have decided to implement a new tea towel only policy so I don't have to carry such heavy laundry baskets anymore."

Dustin: ""

It's very easy to implement this parenting technique. Half the time they have no response and ultimately I don't have a lot of guilt about the lack of clean towels.
As well the adults they become will have something to say in therapy so the analyst isn't bored.
Everybody wins.

Love, hate and a good book

I just finished reading Julie Kenner's "The Givenchy Code". A rip off title, I know, but it did catch me. So did the little bottle of very irresistible Givenchy she was giving away with it.
Fabulous book.
Julies writing style for this book was amazing. The heroine's POV was in first person, the hero and the villain in third. The chapters were short adding to the feeling of a fast paced thriller. I loved this book.
I also hated this book.
I couldn't put it down. I read it from the time I went to bed until my eyes wouldn't stay open anymore. For three days I struggled on very little sleep because I had to know what was going to happen next. Every one of the seventy five chapters ended on a hook. It wasn't very nice of Julie to do that but it was smart because I can't wait to read the next book in what looks like a continuing series.
I love when I find a book like that.
I also hate when I find a book like that.

More observations

I've always been fascinated by human behavior in relationships.
Who is attracted to whom and under what circumstances.
What kinds of things affect a relationship positively or negatively.
How do outside factors play into the relationship and how do people react as a couple and as individuals.
What combinations work together and under what circumstances.
I see so many variables and so many outcomes when I look at personalities and combine them in my mind.
Some of this comes from personal experience. I've always been attracted to people who are different than me. I want to know what drives them. What are the thoughts and feelings that direct them and form their opinions of the world. I have a tenancy to draw information out of them about their past and the people who have come in and out of it. Those stories speak volumes.
Part of it comes from observation. I watch people closely and particularly like to observe them react to varying degrees of stress. I know that what comes out of someone's mouth isn't necessarily the truth. A persons actions always speak in volumes much higher than the voice can achieve.
Over time I've developed a clear understanding of most people. I have the ability to understand why they behave the way they do. The good , the bad and the ugly. I think that's what makes me successful in my work but I also think it will make me successful in my writing. If I can relay to you -clearly-the actions of a character and the why behind the actions. If I can give you a view of someone different than yourself and show you how ultimately they aren't that different, you the reader will come to love them.

More on relations

An interesting phenomenon
men who think they want a simple woman only to end up in a fling with a complicated woman.

I was rooting for Jen.

Complicated women

I am a complicated woman. I didn't know that for many years. In fact it was an episode of sex in the city that lead me to that realization. I am not a simple woman. I'm also not a perfect woman. I know no one is perfect but some appear to be until you dig deeper. I am not perfect and it's pretty apparent straight off.
My hair is a mess of curls that often looks like I just rolled out of bed...Or if it's been a particularity stressful day looks like my hair was caught in the wrong end of a super powered fan and I have been fighting to get out for the last six hours.
I rarely iron my clothes and have lived in this town for four years having never set foot in the dry cleaners.(though I hear he's pretty hot) I will occasionally put on nail polish and then forget about it until its chips it's way off. I tweezed my eyebrows once in my life. Actually I didn't do it the woman at the spa did. I don't know how to tweeze my eyebrows.
You might think this makes me a simple woman but it doesn't. Simple women look the same, act the same and dress in particular style every day. They have a routine you know what to expect every time you see them. Many simple women can be found by anyone at any point in the day because they keep to a strict schedule. I don't know many simple women but I think they may paint their walls in shades of beige.
Being a simple woman is a good thing. People like her they know what to expect from her at all times and in that is a sense of security that a complicated woman doesn't offer.
My living room walls are orange.
If you look in my closet you will find styles ranging from conservative business woman to groovy little hippie chick.
The only schedule I keep is being at work during the required hours and even then I may take an impromptu vacation day or come in early and leave early. I may work through my lunch or take a long lunch. I may be at work on a Saturday or I may not.
I have been known to get up early on a Saturday morning pack a picnic and the kids into the car and go on a quest for the sun or spend the whole day in my pajamas reading or writing. You might find me dancing till wee hours at a club with my friends or taking in a ballet or theatre production. I love them both equally.
I like being a complicated woman but I understand that when looking for security, simplicity I am not your girl.

Big Brother

I'm watching Big Brother, as I do every year and I'm amazed yet again at a person's power to lie to themselves. I see it all the time. People who don't see themselves they way others see them. I see it in my working environment in people who are horrible with clients and the worst team players yet they think they are loved by clients and staff alike. They think they deserve promotions and opportunities and are continually shocked when it doesn't happen for them. Believing instead that these opportunities go to those who are "the chosen ones"
I have wondered about that ability to construct a view point that suits you and you only.
This year the Big Brother house has a clear division between the good guys and the people who think they are the good guys. What confounds me is even if they don't know they've behaved badly in front of a 24/7 audience the lack of Americas choice wins for their side should tell them something. Instead they say it's a fixed vote. They say America sucks , America is stupid. I wonder who's stupid.
People are crazy.
However watching a group of people display this denial behavior leads me to wonder. Do I really see myself as others do? I think I do...I think I know myself well, my strengths, my weaknesses, my annoying traits. Of course I discover new positive and negative traits all the time, some I change, some I don't.
My friend Yvonne and my sister can tell you that I am always right (a very annoying trait) and can be insensitive in my bluntness especially to sensitive people. I tend to tell it as I see it.
My mom will tell you that I 'm brilliant (she is my mom after all) But if you probe further she'll tell you I'm a disorganized mess.
I choose not to change these things, I like them, but I do recognize them and the potential they have to annoy others.
I tell my Dad that nice does not serve well in my business so it's a good thing I'm not nice. He always looks at me like I'm insane.
I can be kind, I'm empathetic, but I have never in my life heard that I am too nice ...
If I was in the Big Brother house to play the game I would. Play that is. Which means I would need to strategize, play off peoples emotions and in some cases do something that would upset someone else. Kind of like real life.
But I would admit that I had done it. At least to myself.
I think


Go Jannelle!

More good things

I watched Grosse Point Blank again- for the hundredth time- last night. I love John Cusack. I loved him first in Say Anything and have loved him since.

I can't wait to see Must Love Dogs.

Cozy blanket and a good book

I'd like to spend every rainy and snowy day with a blanket and a book. A cup of hot coffee in hand while I snuggle the day away in someone else's world. Unfortunately here in the mountains that would be ten months out of the year. It's raining today and I am preparing to do just that. Faux fur blanket- check
fuzzy pillows- check
French Vanilla special coffee- check
Good book- check

I'm reading Blue Flame by Jill Shalvis. It's very good and suitable for this rainy day. Much better to be in Callie's world with hunky Jake and sunny summer days, than in this rainy world that is mine today.

The good things in life

Thought I'd lighten things up with a little Matthew.
Yummy

Blog hopping

I've been Blog hopping this morning. Not the usual ones I visit.
What I've found is a mixture of fun entertaining reads and pseudo-intellectual drivel. I don't understand why people feel the need to assert their intelligence by using obscure words and quoting people who have been dead for decades and probably didn't make sense when they were alive. I don't enjoy those blogs. I'm sure there are people that do.
I guess it depends on your taste. I like people. I like to know what people do and why they do it. I like to know what they think and feel in a given situation and I would like that information delivered to me in a plain package. I don't want to have to unravel reams of bullshit to get to the core of a being. But that's me. I love a book about people. I don't love a book about theories.
As humans we are so very interesting and diverse that one could (and there are those that have) study us a life time and still be surprised by what he found on a daily basis.
Yesterday I watched Oprah because I love her and because she was covering the hurricane aftermath. Again I was inspired by her kindness in the face of tragedy. I was inspired by the people who made it through and crushed for those who have no idea where their children are. I can't imagine. I also can't imagine being shut in a facility in the dark for five days while gang members killed each other and anyone else who got in the way, where children were raped in the bathroom and bodies were left to rot in front of me, I just can't fathom it. Yet I have read opinions of various people today that shock me.
There are those out there who think these people deserved what they got because they didn't evacuate.....Excuse my language but What the Fuck?!!!!
These people remind me why I've never had a lot of respect for pseudo-intellectuals. They know a text book, they can quote dead people and use words no one knows the meaning of but they know shit about the human condition.
How dare they place blame on these people. How can they know what it was to be in that place at that time? Can they possibly know what kinds of choices these people had to make. I've seen this kind of fear and confusion. People are afraid to leave their homes afraid of the unknown. People also tend to think things won't happen to them even in the face of a hurricane and people tend to choose to stay with loved ones -who can not possibly walk fifty miles to safety- rather than save their own lives.
So lets not blame the victims (an action I equate to the "she deserved it just look at how short her skirt is" comments made towards rape victims) Lets help the victims in any way we can.
With out judgment.

The beginning of the end

Today is the first day of my oldest sons last year of school. Yesterday I cried about that through out the day. I remembered him as a baby sleeping on my chest while we lay together on the couch. Lulling me into sleep with his steady breathe. I remembered him when he was one and two playing the "I'm going to get you" game with him while my mother held him in her arms.
I remember him playing ninja turtles with his friends and trying to dig a hole to china out past the back fence when he was six. I remember when he locked himself in his room and wouldn't come out because he didn't want to go to junior high in a new town. I've been witness to his whole life and after this last year he will be considered a man. Next summer he will be old enough to vote and old enough to rent an apartment and old enough to go to college.
I cried when his voice changed and when I realized he was taller than I am. All those steps in life that slowly ease us to the point where we let go.
Today we begin a year of letting go and I don't know if I'm ready for it.
I'm so happy we made it this far and that my son will graduate from high school...A mile stone if there ever was one but I'm sad that the little boy who hid his head in Nana's shoulder and squealed with delight when I 'got him' is gone.
He lives only in my memory and that my friends is very sad.

Holiday

I'm so glad today is a holiday. I'm also glad the gym is closed cause I am sore.
I went to try out my new runners so did some treadmill and some bike and then some -so called- energizing yoga.
It was hard.
I have learned I have the flexibility of an eighty year old woman.
Not good.
As I contorted my body into positions that only primates should do I looked around the room to see how well everyone else was doing and with the exception of myself, my friend Yvonne and a rounded girl next to me everyone was achieving monkey like poses just fine. Even the much older woman across from me. Its a sad day when one can't keep up to someone twenty years their senior. I blame the cookies. Damn cookies taunting me with their chewy sweetness. I blame television, I also blame Nora Roberts. Yes Nora is to blame. I can and have spent whole days devouring her books and not moving...Except to eat a cookie.
So from now on in yoga class while I try to touch my forehead to my toes I will curse Nora for all those days she lured me into complete and utter stillness.
Stretching your imagination is all well and good until you can't bend over to pick up your shoe.

Have a great labor day all.

Yet another blog about Katrina

I read http://www.larissaione.com/soapbox/ larissa's Blog this morning and cried. I can't imagine having to go through what she has gone through and I relate completely to her fears about her cat. I've found myself thinking a lot about this terrible disaster and not just the impact it currently has on the people who live in the affected areas but also the impact it will have for the world. The devastation and loss of life is heartbreaking. I can't begin to express the grief I feel for those living through this horrific event.
I've always wanted to go to New Orleans, not for Mardi Gras, but for the incredible history it holds. Decadence, culture, the vibe and the voodoo. It will never be the same, beautiful old southern homes, Bourbon st, the French quarter. All hit hard.
I know I will never see the same city as those who saw it before this terrible force of nature hit.

But nature teaches us a lesson once again. We don't live our lives right. We spend too much time making a living, making homes, buying stuff to put in those homes and putting off experiencing all that life can offer. Is the be all and end all really just stuff? If we never experience another culture, another country, another way to live have we really lived at all. I regret never going to New Orleans. It wouldn't have been that much of a hardship to go. We're on the same continent for Christ sake. Instead I have a roof over my head, food in my freezer and stuff in my house. I also have a deep sadness that I never took that chance and perhaps now it's too late.